The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The dreaded thing I didn't want to happen anytime soon happened today. I had to go to a medical facility to meet with a woman who is trying to get me enrolled on to a better health care plan that will offer an easier way to get an ACTUAL appointment with the Lupus specialist I need to see. As I was waiting in the office...I see the old man (the biker/brother I had). This is why I hate this town. It's still too fucking small! I mean seriously...of all the times and places and I gotta run into HIM. So....I did what we pretty much agreed on when I left him and his 'tribe'. I ignored him BUT it was too late. He walked over to where my friend and I were sitting and said in his phoney caring voice, "Hi Di! How ya been?" and I gave him a blank expression and went back to flipping through my magazine. Then he stood there with what seemed to be a hurt look and and he shuffled his feet like he always did when he was nervous around me and asked in a low voice, "So thats it, you're not even going to say hello to me, huh?"

My initial reaction was something so angry that I actually pictured myself rolling that magazine up like a newspaper and then slaping him over the head quite a few times, followed by swearing and then a good hard kick to his genital region. BUT...I didnt. I set the magazine down and looked him in the eyes and said to him, "You and I have NOTHING to say to eachother dear brother....after what happened and what took place in YOUR home and with YOUR permission...no, I have nothing to say to you ANYMORE!"

He sighed and still stood near me and I waited before getting extra shity with him (I reserve the right to be alot more than just shitty with him). I slammed the magazine down on the chair next to me and lowered my sunglasses when I realized that he just wasn't making his way back to his seat. I gave him the furious look and said, "Go, now....and for the record, I remember that summer when you were in the living room and you thought I couldnt hear you through the walls when you told the rest of the 'family'..."When she leaves and walks out that door...none of you speak to her. In fact, you just pretend she is dead to us and thats what SHE gets for leaving..."

He just looked down and walked away...as if he was actually sad.

The friend I had with me had this look on her face like she wanted to laugh and say, "DAMN, DIANA!" but she just covered her mouth with her hand and excused herself. I knew that I was going to see him again. I knew that he would say something to me. I just wasn't counting on it being so soon and in a doctors office no less. *sighs*

The one place I never ever wanted to be approached by him. Memories of all the shitty things that took place and happened flooded back and I actually had to excuse myself after my friend came back in to the office. It was hard. My hands were shaking. I wanted to scream outloud right in his boney face about the injustices that took place that summer. The unfair things I was forced to put up with and remain quiet about. The physical violence and all the mental/emotional scarring that he allowed to take place. To this day, I still don't get how he had the nerve to call me his little sister and treat me the way he did (or allow those he ran with treat me the way they did...and all the while he knew what was happening to me right under his roof). No. We have nothing more to say and we never will. Time doesn't heal all wounds. It just dulls the pain of those wounds and leaves a scar in your memory. I don't trust. Not like I used to. I dont laugh. Not like before. I dont smile much...unless it's forced (and there's only one real friend of mine who makes me smile inside and out anyways...and that person knows full well who they are). It's a small town when you were once apart of that 'crew'. When I came home I had a strange call, followed by another from the same number...and then two more after that. I was curious so I used the PC's phone to call it back and I recieved an automated directory to a certain hardware store. The same hardware store that HIS friend/brother works at. Very odd. I just sighed and left that alone too. In my gut I know that I'm going to see him somewhere again soon. I have no idea if he'll try to talk to me or have one of his 'brothers' try to get ahold of me...........but that chapter in that book is closed. It's finished and gone forever. I have infinate patience with people and my ability to forgive is almost ENDLESS! If somebody does something to strip me of my ability to forgive.........it's definatley for a damn good reason! It's definatley for a few damn good reason's in this case. I realized on the ride back home this evening...that I do not hate him (anymore). I just want to go about my life in peace and NEVER have to see him or the rest of his crazy ass 'brothers' ever again. It's gonna be hard though. This town is too damn small still. *growls and then sighs*

I tried to see what was up with my mother again, and again...she's playing the silent game. It really hurts because I went out of my way to do something nice for my stepfather and get him a father's day card. He wasn't there when I last went to my mom's house for a visit but she swore she'd give it to him. It's hard enough to get this man a happy father's day card (with all that went on with my real father who's no longer with us). I can't believe I haven't heard from him or my mother. It's as if they vanished. All I do is talk to her answering machine...*sighs hard*

I only wanted to give the man something nice and let him know that eventhough we are polar opposites, eventhough he caused this family much emotional strain, eventhough he and I have never seen eye to eye on anything....I just wanted to let him know that he's loved and truly is the ONLY father I have had for the past ten years. Dead silence and playing the ignore game with my mother was the thank you I recieved. It just sucks and what the fuck else can I do? I make these efforts...meanwhile my selfish older sister plays the 'I'm in too much pain to do anything' card. Makes no effort, doesn't even get him a card....Hell, she didn't even wish our stepfather a happy father's day over the phone and yet....she still gets calls back and is talked to on a daily basis. What the fuck?! I dont get it. The last time I talked to my mom she told me how fed up and disappointed she was in how my sister behaves....and yet....I get pushed away when I try the most to be active in both my parents life. I dunno......

I must be defective. I knew from a very young age that I was always the black sheep in the family because I never conformed. Never compromised who I was for them BUT always made myself available for my family. I wonder if their cruelty will ever stop. It sucks when all that matters to your family is money or how much an individual makes. It sucks knowing that they laugh at the poor or the needy (which makes me sick) and it sucks that my mother can call my nephew retarded behind my sister's back (when he's actually Autistic)....and then she swears me to secrecy never to tell my sister what she calls him. She actually had the odacity to come right out and say a few weeks ago, about my 14yr old nephew,

"I just don't like him, I dont understand him and he's always slapping his hands together...it's annoying!" That broke my heart and I verbally laid into her about that. Made her swear to her god that she'd never EVER say something so vicious. On my walk back home...it hit me. If my nephew can tick her off and bring those comments out of her......what does she say about me when i'm not aware? What does she say about my sister for that matter. It's disgusting and I honestly dont know why I seem to care about that woman anymore. Why I try or why I try to become close with her again and again and again when she always does me wrong. It's gotta stop! The selfishness and comments have GOT TO STOP. Thats her only grandson. This family is REALLY small. If it's one thing I have learned and preach to her (as well as my stepdad) is that, something could happen to any one of us at any time to make this family even more tiny. Material things are fun if you can obtain them....but you cannot replace family members and you cannot take away the cutting/stabbing words that should never be spoken in the first place. Just as fast as you obtain it...it can ALL be taken away within the blink of an eye. I wonder if that woman will ever learn her lesson and get the big picture. I wonder if my sister will ever rip her head out of her ass and I wonder........

Why do I still even give a shit?! I said it before and I'll say it again...I MISS MY NEPHEW SO FUCKING MUCH! I just want to be able to spend time with him, listen to him tell me about all the new things he learned and make our favorite cheese pizza...wait a little while and then walk him out to the pool for a good aunt and nephew quality time swim. But again it seems....when you are the black sheep.........you aren't allowed to cry, you are not allowed to miss the ones you love so dearly, you are not allowed to try to bring your family together and you are definatley NOT ALLOWED to be upset that you cannot see them when all you want is a few blessed hours. I miss that kid. He's given me nothing but joy since the day he was born. He's such a good boy (little man now). I just wanna see my nephew. I just want to hug him after a year and crack jokes with him that make him fall over and laugh so hard that he squeels. I just want to see him before more years pass.

*with another giant lump in my throat blinded by tears* It just......flat sucks. I have one strong and good virtue. Patience. Endless patience............but with all the patience in the world, how long am I supposed to wait for these people to yank their head's outta their upper class snobby asses? And so...I wait. Only for my nephew though. Only for him. Always for him! :(